Celebrity Wife Swap with Paul Daniels, Debbie McGee and Vanessa

I know this doesn’t make an awfully original subject for a blog, but I watched Celebrity Wife Swap yesterday, which is somewhat too important to ignore.

Vanessa Feltz was the first wife in question, who has always been somewhat a figure of loathing for myself. She is particularly annoying, especially when she interrupts the otherwise jaunty and silly BBC Breakfast News with her spitting jowling head, spouting on about how she will be on the radio talking about rape later. Porridge is spat from my mouth as I try in desperation to change the channel. Somehow she has found a man stupid enough to marry her – a man called Ben Ofoedu. You probably have not heard of him, because he is best known for being what I presumed was the front man of Phats & Smalls, who had a single hit, Turn Around, in 1999. I have Wikipedia-ed that, and found he wasn’t even in the band, but actually just guest vocalled on the single version of this track. He is working on new material, though – a hilariously awful ditty for his wedding. He wears sunglasses indoors whilst hanging around with stars of a only a slightly higher calibre than himself – Shane Lynch from Boyzone. He is not really an a-lister, then, just a faded session singer with a fat trollop of a girlfriend. This does not really seem to harm his self perception, though, as he was amazed that Debbie McGee had never heard his song. I suppose that is surprising to a man who for the past eight years has sung the same song in clubs every night – how could anyone not have heard it? I am not joking – he would go into a club, get in the DJ booth and what would he do? Yeah, sing Turn-a-bloody-Round. I am actually being unfair, he is a pretty decent bloke, who could probably get along well with most people.

Sadly I can’t say the same about his counterpart, Paul Daniels. He is so bloody odd. Apparently he and Debbie don’t read any newspapers or watch contemporary TV (as they don’t trust journalists); they instead while away the hours by: being silent, looking out of the window and really pushing the boat out by watching repeats of Inspector Morese. How the hell could you live like that? People chat, we are social animals, that is what we do. Personally I don’t really find it much harder than not talking at all. But Paul only talked about himself, and does most of his communication through magic tricks. He just doesn’t seem able to communicate on any other level. I bet him and Debbie never actually have sex, Paul just pulls various things from behind his ears all night long, with a few card tricks as foreplay. And how can you not use any media at all? You must loose all concept of space and time, with every day effectively being the same as you only see one person and don’t even bother chatting to her.

Vanessa has far too many issues for me to discuss here. She said at one point ‘nature sucks’. No it doesn’t, you silly fat woman. You suck. Nature is wicked, with all its water and albatrosses and the like. She likes being in dirty London and going to clubs apparently. Can you imagine, if you have just decided to spend a night out in London, and have probably paid £7 for your last drink but you just don’t care because you want a wicked night out largin’ it with your mates, pickin’ up chicks. You have just got dancing, when you spot this vile heffa of a 45 year old woman, with her big heaving breasts spilling out at you, waddling in your direction. Then you look up to see that it is Vanessa – could your night get any worse? What should you do exactly? I think I would ask for a refund, and perhaps some therapy. I shudder when I think about it. I bet she spits as she talks, and has little bits of food between her teeth. Just imagine her having sex with Paul Daniels – he would be trying to perform magic tricks whilst she lunged in his weedy little direction, like a cow falling off a cliff, with little bits of spit and food dripping out of her mouth.

To illustrate the cynicism of the programme, Vanessa’s daughter, who seemed lovely, was scarcely shown at all. Also, both wives had the task of changing the house rules for their husbands, but this was a bit contrived as both husbands were roughly as lazy as each other. To play the game both wives made their adopted husbands cook for them, provoking Paul Daniels to call his mum for assistance. Debbie McGee is the only person who comes out of the programme with any credibility, as she seemed quite nice and managed to work Ben out rather well. She even did Vanessa’s radio show and went to Ben’s club nights.

But I shouldn’t criticise the programme, nor should anyone else, it was pure entertainment of the highest quality. 5/5. The show after on E4 wasn’t so good, but never mind. It made me realise just how lucky I am – not to be married to either Vanessa Feltz or Paul Daniels. I could probably cope with being a session singer for Phats & Smalls, though.