Bloody Football

What's the deal with football? I don't understand. Why oh why is it
so 'important'? When any other form of entertainment is marketed,
exactly how 'entertaining' it is would be stressed. A film might take
you on a journey; make you laugh, make you cry, make you think. A
museum may make you knowledgeable on a given subject. A book might
paint vivid and stimulating pictures in your mind. Art makes your
brain think 'oh, how pretty'. Or modern art just makes you think.
Hopefully.

But what does football do? Well, in any marketing for it, the
importance is usually stressed. The subtext is that is a life or
death situation. But they never suggest that you will actually enjoy
it, that it would bring you days and nights of endless pleasure, that
it might make you a better person, that there is something you should
aspire to. It doesn't have any pretence that it will either educate
nor inform you. And it doesn't seem to pretend to entertain you
either. Maybe some people look upon the amazing players of the ball
with envy, wishing they could one day be amongst them. I doubt this
somehow. It is just somehow essential, necessary and almost
ritualistic that one watches it. The fear of the consequences seem or
paramount importance. If Aston United looses, then they will be going
down. Woo. Or boo. That is the question.

Why do we care how they perform, though? They are just a business.
Most people work for a business, and I bet you don't give a flying
fudge how your company performs in the financial year. Why are you
bothered about how a company you don't even hold a financial interest
in performs?

The other problem with football is that it is a constant. It's never
ends. A film ends. A book ends. Your mortgage ends. September
ends. Therefore we must pay attention to them before they all end.
If we miss them, then they will no longer be there. As I have just
said however, football never ends. If you miss a match, someone will
tell you the result, and your beloved team looses, then it doesn't
matter that much, football will prevail and there will be another game
next week. Forever.

I wonder how many people actually like football. Not that many, I
recon. Lets work it out. I have no evidence, so I will estimate.
Lets say no women are interested, and about half of men are
interested. So therefore only one quarter of people like football.
Also, people often say the most popular sport in the world is fishing,
therefore making it more popular than football. And when was the last
time you, or one of your loved ones, went fishing? Never, I bet. At
least you get something out of fishing; a fish. So there we have it,
I have conclusively proved, beyond any reasonable doubt, that football
is only enjoyed by a small minority of idiots, who just want an excuse
to stab people, and they get nothing out of it.

So don't watch football, stab a fish instead.